Ever wanted to single-handedly dismantle the
patriarchy? This fresh yet powerful look will give you the upper hand in defeating your
male enemies, thereby allowing you to establish an amazonian world order over which you and
your sisters will rule. To start off with, prime your face with an
illuminating serum. This creates a dewy and light-catching base, so that when your look
is finished, everyone who you pass will be forced to bask in the light of your feminine
glory. Next, we’re going to use a light foundation.
Make sure you give every part of your face a fair equal amount of representation, unlike
the government and primetime network television. Use concealer to cover up any blemishes on
your face, so that your physical exterior matches the flawlessness of your personality.
Now, set the foundation with the powdered ashes of Susan B. Anthony.
Finally, apply a rosy blush to the apples of your cheeks. This will give you a youthful
and innocent appearance, so that you’ll still look cute even when you’re covered in the
blood of a thousand men. Before you apply your eye makeup, prime your
lids and lashes so your eyeshadow and mascara stays strong, just like the woman’s spirit
through millennia of misogyny. Start off your eyeshadow with a matte shade
similar to your skintone, and apply it all over your eyelid. Along the brow and in the
inner corner, apply a light, shimmering gold to make your eyes pop. Along the outer corners
of your eyes, apply a darker taupe to add definition.
Whenever you’re applying your eyeshadow, think of it like the glass ceiling: the thinner,
the better. That way, you’ll be able to shatter it more easily when the time comes for women
to assume their rightful position as the dominant gender of the human race.
For eyeliner, we’re going to be using a coal black to add a hint of Amazonian ferocity.
Apply the liner with a small brush, and flick it out at the ends, like the wings of a bat.
You want the wings of your eyeliner to be so sharp they could kill a man, allowing you
to drain his blood so that you may use it to summon the goddess Athena.
To finish off the eyes, apply a generous amount of Lean In mascara, courtesy of Sheryl Sandberg.
Finally, we move to the lips. We want everyone to know you’re the head bitch in charge, so
we’re going to be using a powerful red. First, line your lips so that no one will
be able to escape your wrath. Then, fill them in with red, like your underwear after your
first period. I’m using Smash the Patriarchy no. 2.
You can add a hot glossy sheen as a final kick to the balls.
All finished! Next time you come into contact with a misogynist, while they’re trying to
figure out how to further strip women of their civil rights, you can rip out their jugular
with your teeth, and look fine as hell doing it.